Friday night hits and you’re exhausted. The couch is calling. Your thumb hovers over that delivery app like it’s muscle memory.
I get it. But here’s the thing: most takeout leaves you bloated, broke, and weirdly unsatisfied. The sodium levels alone could preserve a small mammal. And vegetarian options from most places?
Often an afterthought. A sad pile of steamed vegetables or cheese-drenched nachos that barely qualify as dinner.
Fakeaways are the answer. Same comfort, same flavors, fraction of the calories and cost. You control the oil, the salt, the quality of ingredients. And honestly? Once you nail a few of these, you’ll wonder why you ever waited 45 minutes for lukewarm pad thai.
1) Crispy sesame tofu with spicy peanut noodles
This is the dish that converted my brother-in-law from a tofu skeptic to someone who requests it at family dinners. The secret is pressing your tofu properly and getting that pan screaming hot before anything touches it.
You want firm or extra-firm tofu, pressed for at least 20 minutes. Cut it into cubes, toss with cornstarch, and pan-fry until genuinely crispy on all sides. No soggy nonsense.
The peanut sauce comes together in a blender: peanut butter, soy sauce, rice vinegar, sesame oil, a bit of maple syrup, garlic, and as much sriracha as you can handle.
Toss with rice noodles or lo mein, add shredded cabbage and carrots, top with the crispy tofu and crushed peanuts. The whole thing takes maybe 30 minutes and destroys any $18 noodle bowl you’d get delivered.
2) Loaded veggie curry with homemade naan
When I was backpacking through Rajasthan years ago, I ate curry nearly every day for three weeks straight. Never got tired of it. The versions I make at home now aren’t “authentic” in any strict sense, but they scratch that same itch.
Start by blooming your spices in oil: cumin seeds, coriander, turmeric, garam masala, a pinch of cayenne. Add diced onion, garlic, ginger. Once fragrant, throw in whatever vegetables you have.
Chickpeas and cauliflower are classic. Sweet potato works beautifully. Spinach wilted in at the end adds color and nutrition.
Coconut milk makes it creamy without the heaviness of cream-based restaurant versions. For the naan, a simple yogurt dough comes together fast and cooks in a dry cast iron pan in about two minutes per side. Brush with garlic butter. You’ll never order from that mediocre Indian place again.
3) Black bean tacos with quick-pickled onions
Taco Tuesday exists for a reason. But most delivery tacos arrive soggy, and the vegetarian options are usually just… beans and cheese. Which is fine. But we can do better.
Mash half your black beans and leave half whole for texture. Season aggressively with cumin, smoked paprika, lime juice, and a little chipotle if you have it. The quick-pickled onions take five minutes: thinly slice a red onion, cover with lime juice and a pinch of salt, let sit while you prep everything else.
Char your corn tortillas directly over a gas flame or in a dry pan. Top with the beans, pickled onions, crumbled cotija or feta, fresh cilantro, and a drizzle of crema or Greek yogurt thinned with lime.
Add sliced avocado if you’re feeling fancy. These are restaurant-quality tacos for about $2 per person.
4) General Tso’s cauliflower
This is the one that makes people forget they’re eating vegetables. Seriously. I’ve served this to committed meat-eaters who asked for the recipe before they’d finished their plate.
Cut cauliflower into florets, toss in a light batter of flour, cornstarch, and sparkling water. Bake at high heat until crispy, or shallow fry if you want maximum crunch. The sauce is the star: soy sauce, rice vinegar, hoisin, a good amount of brown sugar, garlic, ginger, and dried red chilies.
Simmer the sauce until it thickens slightly, then toss with the crispy cauliflower. Serve over rice with steamed broccoli on the side. It hits every note that makes takeout Chinese food addictive, minus the mystery oil and MSG overload.
According to research from the American Heart Association , reducing sodium intake from restaurant food is one of the easiest wins for heart health.
5) Mushroom and halloumi shawarma wraps
Good shawarma is all about the spice blend and the char. You don’t need a vertical rotisserie to get there.
Slice portobello mushrooms thick and toss with olive oil, cumin, coriander, paprika, turmeric, cinnamon, and a little cayenne. Roast at high heat until caramelized and slightly crispy at the edges. Do the same with thick slices of halloumi, which gets this incredible golden crust when cooked properly.
Warm your flatbreads, spread with garlic tahini sauce, pile on the mushrooms and halloumi, add pickled turnips if you can find them, sliced tomatoes, cucumber, and fresh herbs. Roll it tight. This is the kind of thing that makes you feel like you’ve actually accomplished something on a weeknight.
6) Thai basil fried rice
Fried rice is the ultimate fridge-cleaner, but this version is specifically designed to compete with takeout. The key, as any Thai cook will tell you, is day-old rice. Fresh rice turns to mush.
Get your wok or largest pan ripping hot. Scramble eggs first, set aside. Add oil, then whatever vegetables you have: bell peppers, snap peas, corn, zucchini. Keep things moving. Add the cold rice, break up any clumps, and let it sit against the hot pan long enough to get slightly crispy in spots.
Season with soy sauce, a splash of fish sauce (or soy sauce if keeping it strictly vegetarian), a little sugar, white pepper. Toss in a massive handful of Thai basil at the very end.
The heat wilts it just enough to release that incredible anise-like aroma. Top with the scrambled eggs, sliced chilies, and a squeeze of lime. Done in 15 minutes.
The bottom line
Fakeaways aren’t about deprivation. They’re about taking control of what you eat without sacrificing the comfort and satisfaction that makes takeout appealing in the first place.
Start with one recipe. Maybe the one that sounds most like your usual Friday night order. Nail it. Then add another to your rotation. Before long, you’ll have a handful of go-to dishes that beat delivery on taste, cost, and how you feel afterward.
Your wallet will thank you. Your body will thank you. And honestly, there’s something deeply satisfying about making restaurant-quality food in your own kitchen while still wearing sweatpants.
